As expected, the conspiracy theorists have alleged that Indian bookies cooked up the plan to malign Pakistani cricket players. Notorious Pakistan crook Mazhar Majeed and his sister are allegedly married to Indians. Actress Veena Malik, ex-girlfriend of one of the accused players, has provided more fuel to such theories by claiming to have proof of Indian links. Even Pakistan’s Interior Minister, Rehman Malik, has hinted at the mischief of foreign hands; everyone knows what he really means.
I fully agree with the conspiracy theory that the plot of spot fixing of the cricket match in the UK was the work of Indian bookies. The crowded Pakistani section of the Indian foreign office can go on a long leave or do some other more productive work because they are not needed anymore. If a few petty bookies can defame the enemy for a few million, why burden the Indian taxpayers with enormous spending on Pakistan-related establishments and public relations campaigns?
I think a large section of the Pakistani foreign ministry along with most intelligence agencies, specifically the dreaded Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI), should be sent packing as well. If they cannot monitor the activities of a dozen lads who have the potential of disgracing the nation, then what are they good for? Did the past allegations of match fixing not dump enough dirt on Pakistan to stop our defenders of ‘ideological boundaries’ from sleeping while petty hookers were alluring the wonder-kids of cricket?
I think the Indian conspiracy is much larger than just cricket match fixing. Take, for example, the events of the last fortnight or so. If the Indian hand was not involved, how could our police, along with a crowd of people, watch the murder of two brothers in Sialkot? How could our feudals sink the towns in floods to save their lands? Being Muslims — members of the great ummah — we have the highest morals in the world and so, it must have been impossible for us to kill so many innocent people in Lahore and Quetta. If corruption, bribery and nepotism exist from a simple clerk to the highest officials in the government, then a foreign hand must be involved. We are God’s chosen people and cannot go so wrong. Therefore, it is only by our enemy’s conspiracy that we are made to or are shown to be doing such evil things.
We know gambling is big business in India and many other places. Bookies, making or losing billions of dollars, are supposed to trap budding players all around the world. We also know that many players come from humble backgrounds and have a tendency to do whatever they feel like, which is what makes them exceptionally talented. They are prime targets for gambling vultures. Therefore, to avoid a colossal national embarrassment, educating and monitoring the players’ activities is taken seriously by all the pagan nations. But, since we are the holiest of all humans, we do not need any of this — our guidance comes directly from God.
Another undeniable proof of the Indian conspiracy comes from the fact that the bookies in that country are not very successful in manipulating their own national players. They must not be trying very hard to pressure Indian players, despite the fact that the largest sums of money are in India. The Indian bookies must be very nationalistic and people of high morals as they can give up on a major source of their potential profits by not entrapping the Indian players. They could not even trap the Bangladeshi players, as was reported by the Bangladesh Cricket Board. Probably, Indian bookies did not try very hard because Bangladesh is not an enemy country like Pakistan. Furthermore, who cares about Bangladeshis because they are eternal traitors who divided Pakistan on Indian baiting?
Our intelligence agencies are filled with God-fearing, truly moralistic Muslims. Tracking the corrupt activities of national players, politicians and the bureaucracy is not really on their agenda because, being true Muslims, they believe that these matters are between individuals and God. Rightfully, their priority is to prepare the nation for the elimination of the pagans. For that they have reserved all their energies to keep every politician in line without bothering about their financial matters because God is taking care of that. They have created mujahideen of every kind who can kill or blow themselves up in God’s name. Their creations went in all directions and tried to teach befitting lessons to their neighbours and the rest of the world. Given such a grand and universal holy task, why should they watch a few cricket boys who are answerable only to their Creator anyway?
Luckily, most Pakistanis have bought into the holy grand universal scheme where we are trying to eliminate the enemies of God and, in return, our pagan enemies are conspiring against us. From cricket match fixing to breaching the riverbanks, everything is a conspiracy against us. Also, the excessive rain and flooding too are conspiracies of the manipulation of the environment by Jewish, Christian and Hindu scientists! Otherwise, why was no other country, including our neighbour, hit so hard by a natural disaster? Since they knew about it beforehand, they may have made water reservoirs and dams to deal with such a disaster. We may not be prepared for the next round of floods in coming years but we will teach a lesson to our enemies.
Our enemies may project us as the most corrupt nation by conspiring against our cricket boys but we do not care — we will remain focused on our holy mission. We do not have to worry or do anything about corruption because God will take care of it by directly providing His guidance to our people. Allahu Akbar!